To defeat the monkeys, you must become one

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May 19, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

Monkey Business

biz

May 18, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

pipesmoking

May 17, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

“Time to update the blog…”

laptop_monkeys

May 3, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

Shit.

Bummed

April 13, 2009. Monkeys, Not Monkeys. 3 comments.

Because it’s Easter weekend, and this blog needs more monkeys

easter_monkey

April 10, 2009. Monkeys. 2 comments.

You think Afghanistan is bad? Here’s something to really worry about…

The following conversation occurred over the past two days on Twitter. Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent – except one who at times claimed he was joining the Zombies, because people like that should be Outed. All of the names have been changed.

John McCain: Don’t let the monkeys win. They are vigilant, persistent and hairy, but not very bright. We will win this war.

Barack Obama: You don’t want the monkeys to win? You are going BACK on the ‘Might Be a Robot’ list right now, young man

John McCain: I’m siding with the Zombies in this war. Mostly because I feel the hunger inside.

Barack Obama: Michelle says “zombies are good to drink”. She always thinks of liquor first.

John McCain: Great Apocalyptic Struggle Between the Monkeys and the Robots will go horribly wrong when a Zombie bites a Monkey. Fear them.

Barack Obama: The Zombie Uprising will be a tea party compared to the Great Apocalyptic Struggle Between the Monkeys and the Robots.

John McCain: Michelle will beg you to save the alcohol for Molotov Cocktails in the Tina Turner Zombie Thunderdome.

Barack Obama: Monkeys don’t have enough braaaaains for eating. The zombies will starve.

John McCain: The Zombies make it up in volume. You did say legions of Monkeys, right?

Barack Obama: Swarming hordes of monkeys, but it matters not. The energy required to catch a monkey and eat its brain is greater…
Barack Obama: …than the caloric content of the brain. A net loss. Starvation. Sorta like tribbles.

John McCain: Those Monkeys will be awfully tired and slow after a raging battle with Robots. The Zombies will simply bat clean-up.

Barack Obama: Zombies always attack before they’re ready. Like the Kzin. They will wake up while the robots are still quiescent.

John McCain: The Kzin can be defeated with garden hoses (cats hate water) but zombies can walk underwater and terrify lakes and oceans.

Barack Obama: Hmm… most monkeys hate water too. But zombies aren’t good at strategy and tactics. They could (def)eat humanity but not monkeys or robots.

John McCain: I fear the robots will one day capture a zombie and create cyborg-zombies to do their bidding. CYBORG ZOMBIES! We’re doomed.

Barack Obama: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS that’s a scary thought! But what if they created cyborg-monkeys too? Could cyborg-zombies beat cyborg-monkeys?

John McCain: Cyborg monkeys would be slower than normal monkeys. Cyborg zombies would be faster than normal zombies. We are doomed.

Barack Obama: But pre-cyborg monkeys move very fast and pre-cyborg zombies very slow, so the cyborging cancels out. Still, I agree that WE ARE DOOMED.

Barack Obama: Even worse, what if in the cyborging, the robots program the cyborg monkeys and zombies to be allies? WE ARE DOUBLY DOOMED!

[Time passes…]

Barack Obama: Are you still allied with the zombies?

John McCain: I will not align myself with any side until the final days. Then I will align myself with the winners. :)

Barack Obama: If you don’t choose sides in the early days, you are doomed.

John McCain: I will masquerade as a robotic zombie monkey and walk between worlds. I may even unite them into a single horrific army.

Barack Obama: “robotic zombie monkey” ? Do you mean a monkey that’s been bitten by a zombie, then turned into a cyborg by the robots?

John McCain: Yes. Horrific thought, eh? A fast monkey-zombie with laser eyes.

Barack Obama: You, sir, have written the death of the human race. Should we give up now, or make a good fight of it? I think we have enough booze to fight.

John McCain: The zombie-monkey-cyborgs will bathe in our alcohol-soaked blood!

Barack Obama: It’s a deal. I’m off to Spec’s!

March 27, 2009. Monkeys. 1 comment.

Mind your own business, Dr. Zaius, I’m sick of your half-breed interference!

I have been searching the Internet for a photo of a monkey doing the “Live Long and Prosper” gesture. Apparently no such picture exists, bizarre though that may sound. This is as close as I’ve found:

spectre_of_the_apes3

March 6, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

Because, as Dave says… MONKEYS!

March 6, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

Because this blog needs more monkeys

Thanks, riotclitshave.

You got chocolate in my peanut butter! You got peanut butter in my chocolate!

March 4, 2009. Monkeys. Leave a comment.

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